“I think Disney teaches young girls such important lessons (using) princess fairy tales, you know, like Cinderella: It doesn’t matter where you come from or how poor you are, you know, as long as you’re incredibly hot.”
-Bo Burnham.
“Guys, it’s 21st century racism.
It’s racism in light of itself
The only reason I’m saying these things
Is because the stigmas about race are already there
And I’m just playing off of that
And they understand that
So if after the show
You see like a black guy beating me up
He’s doing it ironically, okay?
Get your story straight.”
-Bo Burnham.
“I hate you Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. “I’m going to look up apples today.” She just hits ‘A’, it’s “Asian ass porn” instantly. Google is, like, ‘I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up!’ Well every time you hit ‘A,’ it’s ‘Asian ass porn.’” Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It’s bad enough that I’m clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I’m trying to have an honest relationship, and you are fucking my shit up!”
-Daniel Tosh.
“We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: ‘I don’t want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I’m happy, or at least I look like it.’ “
-Daniel Tosh.
“Sometimes, when I’m feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say,”Hey, at least I’m not pregnant.” And I know happy days are around the corner.”
-Daniel Tosh.
“I don’t think I could stab somebody,
because I’m really bad at a Capri Sun.”
-Daniel Tosh.
“I’m all for women deciding to get plastic surgery because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance reflect your inner appearance: fake.”
-Daniel Tosh.
“Answer honestly… Disabuse me of my ignorance. Don’t let me get away with anything. Don’t try to play my game. Be real. Be passionate. Hold your ideas. Give me resistance. Give me traction I can work against. The friction between reality, or the truly held concerns of the person, and the farcical concerns that I have, or my need to seem important, as opposed to actually understanding what’s true…where those two things meet is where the comedy happens. So be real. That’s the best thing you can do. And call me on my bullshit.”
-Stephen Colbert.
“I know older men in comedy who can barely feed and clean themselves, and they still work. The women, though, they’re all ‘crazy.’ I have a suspicion — and hear me out, because this is a rough one — that the definition of ‘crazy’ in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.”
-Tina Fey
“There are a couple of things I want to impart to ladies who want to be in comedy: One, you don’t have to be weird or be quirky to get your job done. And two, comedy skill is not sexually transmittable. You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you’re doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth.”
-Tina Fey.
“And from that day forward, women embraced their diversity and realized that all shapes and sizes are beautiful. Ah ha ha. No. I’m totally messing with you. All Beyonce and JLo have done is add to the laundry list of attributes women must have to qualify as beautiful. Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.”
-Tina Fey.
